Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

I finally figured out step one. For years, I recognized that I was powerless over alcohol. I had no off switch. I could never drink just one. I could never put down a drink. I was never one of those people who ordered a drink and left half of it on the table.  Talk about “alcohol abuse”!

But my life was manageable. I would get up and walk the dog, get ready for work, put in a productive day, cook supper, have a pleasant evening with the wife, and turn in for the night. Completely managed! Never lost a job, wrecked a car, hurt anyone, or did any property damage. Never really got into any trouble.

Day-drinking

But I drank all day. Almost every day. I was never really sure when I was going to start on any particular day. Sometimes, I would even have a drink first thing in the morning on the way out the door with the dog for an early morning walk. Around 10 am, another gulp hit the spot to get back to where I was earlier in the day.

This pattern was hidden from everyone—my big secret.  I never drank enough to get drunk and never drank if I had to drive anywhere. That was my only control, that fear of being caught drinking and driving– THAT always kept me away from it.  But I was constantly walking a tightrope of enjoying it v. controlling it.  Always trying to gauge if I could drink just a little more.

Of course, a nip after lunch hit the spot to keep things going. Having a drink while I was cooking was just par for the course. That was my life. Always had a bottle nearby.  Just within reach- just out of view. That was my life. My life. My life HAD become unmanageable. I could NOT control my life of drinking. I hid it all pretty well, but it was my life, and it was unmanageable. I admit it.

Misery

And I hated it.  I hated the constant sneaking around.  I hated the constant worry that my wife would figure me out.  Maybe a nip and then a cough drop or a glass of kombucha to mask my breath.  Maybe just go out and work in the yard until I thought I didn’t reek of alcohol anymore.  What a way to live… ugh.  I hated myself.

People say the worst part of AA is the first couple of weeks or months.  For me, the worst part was the LAST couple of weeks because of the constant separation that I was putting between me and my wife! Here is the most important person in the world to me and I was staying far away as possible from her just so I could drink.

Thanks AA!

But now I’ve found a new way.  I go to AA meetings.  I’ve quit drinking.  I don’t have to avoid kissing my wife for fear that she’ll detect the alcohol on my breath.  We’re growing closer every day.