Thinking Through the Eighth Step

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Let’s hit the Big Book for some guidance and check Chapter 6 “Into Action”:

We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.

We need some choices. These open-ended questions are tough! Let’s think through who could be involved.

Who have I harmed?

People to consider:

• family
• friends
• employers
• coworkers
• neighbors
• romantic partners
• acquaintances

What kind of harm could I have done?

• Lied, stole, cheated, or manipulated them
• Damaged their reputation.
• Caused them emotional pain or worry
• Neglected responsibilities
• Took advantage of trust
• Caused financial harm

I never really caused any physical damage, you know, broken anything, wrecked a car, smashed furniture, punched holes in walls, broken windows, etc. I never ruined someone’s reputation. I showed up for work and completed my assignments. I didn’t ruin anyone’s life. Erm. Except maybe my brother’s…
He had a lot of resentment toward me after our intervention when we sent him away to rehab.  I had promised him that I would call his customers and let them know where he was.   Instead, I let a mutual friend make the phone calls because that friend personally knew the people who needed to be called.  My brother maintains that the same person stole the work, causing him financial hardship.  So, my brother is one for my list.

Who else?  Who else?

My wife.  My dear, sweet wife, from whom I hid my drinking for years. Did I cause her harm?   I never told her I wasn’t drinking.  I just never told her that I was drinking.  See the difference?  Yeah, now that I’m sober, me neither!  I could kick myself.  How could I prioritize alcohol over everything?  Over my one true love?

In AA terms, “harm” isn’t limited to direct injury or abuse. It includes:

Deception and broken trust — hiding the truth changed the emotional safety of our relationship.  It changed how we see each other and how we react to each other.

Emotional neglect — drinking in secret created distance, even if she didn’t know why at the time. Even if I was physically present, I was not fully emotionally available, and she was likely missing parts of the connection she needed from me. Real closeness comes from openness. Even if we shared our daily lives, my hidden addiction created an invisible wall that limited emotional depth. Even without an explicit lie, long-term concealment is a form of dishonesty. Once the truth eventually came out, the shock wasn’t only about the drinking — it’s about realizing the emotional world she thought you shared wasn’t complete.

Denial of partnership — by hiding the truth, I denied her the chance to support me or make informed choices.

So, while the drinking wasn’t great, the lying was worse!  I didn’t harm my wife, directly, but the damage done to our relationship was catastrophic.  By finally telling the truth about my drinking, I was able to drop a big rock off my shoulders, but I dropped it right onto our love.

Now that I’m out from under that rock, I can recover.  I can make new friends in AA.  I can feel new emotions that the alcohol was concealing from me.  But what have I left in my wake? A wife who is married to a sober alcoholic that she barely knows.

Oh, what to do?  They warned me:

It’s a simple program, but it just isn’t easy.