One Year, One Month, One Week, and Still Angry

401 Days Sober and Still Struggling

I haven’t had a drink since January 1, 2025. That makes 401 days sober. I hold onto that fact because it is stable even when other parts of my life are not. I know exactly where I stand with alcohol. I don’t drink. I don’t negotiate with it. That part of my life is settled. What is not settled is how I live with my emotions now that alcohol is no longer numbing them.

Sobriety Gave Me Clarity, Not Calm

The program has helped me in ways I can’t deny. Spiritually, it has forced me to confront how often my problems come from self-centered fear and the need to control outcomes. The Big Book says that “selfishness—self-centeredness” is the root of our troubles, and I see that play out most clearly when I’m angry. When I feel misunderstood or dismissed, my first instinct isn’t humility; it’s defense and correction. It’s proving my point. That instinct shows up fast, and when I follow it, it always makes things worse.

Physical Recovery Is Real and Measurable

Physically, I am doing better than I have in years. I eat with more intention. I pay attention to nutrition instead of ignoring it or swinging between extremes. I run a couple of miles a day, not as a metaphor, but as a practice that helps regulate me. Apple Health reflects what I feel in my body. My movement is consistent. My cardiovascular health has improved. My resting heart rate is lower than it was when I was drinking. My sleep is better. These are not imagined gains. They are measurable signs that my body is no longer in constant crisis mode.

And yet emotionally, I am struggling more than I expected at this stage.

Anger Is the Issue I Didn’t Expect to Be Facing

I lose my cool. I have emotional outbursts. I raise my voice. I say things I don’t want to say and later wish I could take back. This isn’t theoretical. These are real moments when I cross a line and don’t realize until it’s too late. The Big Book talks about being “restless, irritable, and discontent,” and I’m learning to recognize that state immediately. Tight chest. Narrow thinking. Urgency. That spring coil inside my body that everyone’s always taking about during their shares in meetings…

Knowing the Program and Practicing It Are Not the Same Thing

I know what I’m supposed to do. That’s part of the problem. I know the instruction to pause when agitated or doubtful. I know the suggestion to ask for the right thought or action. I know the shorthand: pause, pray, proceed. I believe in it. I just can’t remember to do it in time. Sometimes I remember afterward. Sometimes halfway through. Sometimes, only when I’m sitting with the consequences of what I’ve said.

The Big Book reminds us that we are not cured and that our daily reprieve depends on maintaining our spiritual condition. Sobriety didn’t remove my character defects. It exposed them. Alcohol blurred the edges. Without it, everything is sharper, including my reactions.

PAWS, Emotional Regulation, and Responsibility

Feeling the effect of PAWS doesn’t help. There are days when my emotional tolerance feels thin, when stress hits harder than it should, and my margin for frustration is small. That doesn’t excuse my behavior. It does explain why I need more structure, not less. The Big Book talks about the importance of being in “fit, spiritual condition”, and lately I’ve had to admit that mine is inconsistent. I don’t always pause. I don’t always pray. But I still manage to proceed straight into reaction.

Learning Restraint Instead of Suppression

What I am trying to learn is restraint. Not suppression. Restraint. The ability to feel anger without immediately expressing it. The ability to sit with discomfort without needing relief in the form of sharp words. The Big Book says that “love and tolerance of others is our code,” and I see how far I still have to go there, especially when I feel threatened or misunderstood.

Where I Am Today

I’m not writing this to resolve anything. I’m writing it to be honest about where I am. I am sober. I am aware. And I am still learning how to live with my emotions without letting them run the show. Some days I do better. Some days I fail in ways that are obvious and painful.

What I know today is that not drinking is necessary but not sufficient. Staying sober keeps the door open. What I do with that open door is still a work in progress. I don’t need to fix my anger all at once. I do need to keep taking responsibility for it. I do need to keep returning to the practices I believe in, even when I don’t execute them well.

Four hundred and one days in, I’m not cured. I’m practicing. I’m failing, but I’m learning to pay attention. And for now, that’s the best I’ve got.