I liked you better when you were drinking!

No wonder people relapse. I was so happy when I was drinking. People liked me because I was easy to get along with. I was stress-free, even when I was cooking our weekly family dinner. The grandkids liked me because I was fun and silly. And then I decided to quit drinking and join Alcoholics Anonymous.

What a great new start!  I had found the pink cloud that they talk about in AA. Pink clouding, or pink cloud syndrome, describes a stage of early addiction recovery that involves feelings of euphoria and elation. When you’re in this phase, you feel confident and excited about recovery.  But then everything changed. I wasn’t fun to be around. Tired, complaining. And always with the snippy comments. And I was negative about everything. If it wasn’t a snippy comment, it was outright, loud criticism of total strangers.

I didn’t miss the alcohol. I really didn’t have any cravings or compulsions to drink. I think once I got out of the habit and the alcohol out of me, it was easy. Maybe alcoholism really is an allergy. Once the allergic reaction that was causing the cravings went away, quitting drinking was easy. I was proud of myself. I found other things to do. I could do things better because I wasn’t impaired. I could enjoy things more because I was present.

But other problems were creeping in.  I was irritable, like a bad mood that was very easily triggered.  I had trouble sleeping.  I’d wake up too early in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep until my normal wake-up time of 6 am.  I wasn’t conversational.  I was easily put off by comments made by my best friend.  She was walking on eggshells with me.  We couldn’t have a conversation.  I had quit drinking for our relationship, but how was this making our relationship better?

Finally, she brought it up.  “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t we have a conversation? I thought you were going to feel better after a while.  I liked you better when you were drinking.  I feel like I lost my best friend.”

What a punch to the gut!   I thought I was doing well, but she was right.  I was easily irritated.  I was tough to talk to.  What was wrong with me?

So, I started reading.  I knew about withdrawal or AWS (acute withdrawal syndrome).  I knew the first couple of days of no alcohol would give me the shakes and trouble sleeping.  Lots of meetings and exercise helped a lot.  But now here I am, 158 days sober, and I’m still sick.   They didn’t tell me about PAWS or POST-acute withdrawal syndrome.  Although acute AWS symptoms usually last for only a few days up to a week, some symptoms can persist, including anxiety, depression, irritability, cognitive dysfunction, cravings, sleep disturbance, fatigue, and autonomic irregularities.  Yeah, that ticks a lot of my boxes.  I am certainly irritable and occasionally hostile.  I crave sweets and snacks.  I have vivid dreams and wake up at weird hours.  How is this a reward?

But like acute detox, PAWS just takes time.  Phil said that you can’t hurry love.  You can’t hurry PAWS, either.  Most relapses occur during PAWS.  No wonder! We thought we were going to feel better, sober.  A couple of weeks sober, you start feeling worse, and, well…  hmm…

The solution?  Just what you’d think.  Take care of yourself.  Eat a healthy diet.  Exercise.  Don’t be too hard on yourself. Talk to your friends and family. Participate in meetings.  Talk to your sponsor. And don’t drink.