My Fourth Step

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

How to Make a Personal Inventory

The Big Book directs me to make a list of all the people with whom I have resentments.  I came up with nothing.  I don’t cheat on my wife.  I don’t pad my expense account.  Ugh.  The Big Book is usually so helpful and gives me great inspiration.  I think it really falls flat in Chapter Five, “How It Works”.  Yeah, it works, but the directions aren’t great.

At the advice of my sponsor, I read “The Fourth Step” in The 12 & 12, otherwise known as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. In some aspects, it’s a better book. The Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous were first published in the AA Grapevine in 1946. The book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions codified these principles and was published in 1953. The Traditions were formally adopted at AA’s first international convention in 1950.  Bill W. had a couple of years to watch his steps in action while alcoholics tried to follow his suggestions.  He gave us a better method in the 12 & 12 once he saw how things were playing out.

So, the 12 & 12 was inspiring as usual.  I got to work straight away.  Here’s my current list.  They are not in order. They are just a list.

My Personal Inventory

• No grey areas.  My way of doing things is always the best way.  It’s efficient and gets things done.  I don’t tend to make lists, plan, and procrastinate–I just dive in and work until the task is complete.  If I get any commentary from others about my methods, then I immediately change tack and head in the completely opposite direction.  “You don’t like the way that I scold the children?  Fine.  I won’t say anything to them at all!”
•  I have boundary issues.  I’m not good at judging how close to be to people.  I might start discussing intimate details with a stranger.  I might not offer enough personal space to a coworker.  I can also be just the opposite.  I might not be personal enough with family members, or might choose to be standoffish when someone just needs a little love.
• I am quick to judge.  If I see someone doing something that I don’t agree with, I won’t take a second to voice my opinion.  I’m not one to mince words.   I have an opinion, and it’s the best, and everyone should feel the same way, regardless of their circumstances.
• I have a habit of preplaying arguments in my head.  It’s like the opposite of resentment.  I experience all the emotions of having an interaction with someone before they happen.  With resentment, one might replay all the feelings that they previously experienced.  Google AI labs explains it like this: “Future tripping is a psychological term that describes the act of obsessively worrying about the future, often involving negative or catastrophic outcomes. It’s essentially a form of anticipatory anxiety, where one anticipates a future event and the potential for distress or negative consequences. “
• Lying.  I would drink and lie about it.  I would hide alcohol and drink it when no one was looking.  Welcome to my alcoholism.  If you have to hide something, it’s a problem.  Hiding and lying just go hand in hand.  Lying by omission can erode trust and damage relationships because the listener is left with a distorted view of the truth. When you finally let the cat out of the bag, your audience will begin to question everything you say and do.  Don’t ask me how I know…

So, that’s my list, so far.  It’s probably not complete.  If I think of something in the future, I can always go back and add things.   But I want to move on.  I’m not going to spend any more time, mired in these bad places.

It’s time to make some changes!