My Parole From Prison

Step 5

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

A Life in Prison

When we’re drinking, we put ourselves in prison.  It’s a self-imposed prison, but it is nonetheless a prison.  We lock ourselves away from our families, our friends, and the people that love us–and for what?  A drink?  Why are we drinking?  To escape?  From what are we escaping?   I have a great life!  A house, a car, a loving family, a big backyard…   I’m not escaping life or anything in it.  My job is engaging.  I like it.  I work from home.  My wife looks after our grandkids a couple of days a week, so there are little voices in the house.  From what do I feel I have to drink to escape?

Maybe I’m trying to escape from prison!  This horrible prison that I’ve put myself in is the only thing that I need to get out of.  THIS SELF-IMPOSED PRISON.  It made sense when I was drinking.  Hiding in the garage, hiding in the basement, working in the yard–all places to go to be drunk without having to interact with people and risk someone noticing that I’d been drinking.  What made alcohol the priority?  Why did I choose alcohol over all my friends and family?  Talk about selfishness and self-centerness!

But now I’m free!  I’ve broken the bonds and chains of King Alcohol.  I can be honest about where I am and what I’m doing.  I can spend the day with a clear mind and can focus on the things that I enjoy doing.  I no longer need to sneak around, I keep track of secret comings and goings.

Paroled!

But am I truly free?  My sentence is not complete.  I am out on parole.  People are watching.  I have a reputation as a drunk.  Now that I’ve told the world that I had been drinking all day, but I stopped and started attending AA meetings, the gig is up.  I can no longer drink, and I’ve lost the trust of all of those to whom I had been lying for so long.  I’ve admitted to others that I have no control over alcohol, so now I am suspect.  Sure, people used to suspect that maybe I had been drinking, but now I’ve admitted as much.  Now, I’m not drinking,  but people have started suspecting me of drinking.

The other thing that I need to come to terms with is the fact that I was alone in my prison.  I confessed my sins and released myself, but in so doing, I have dredged up the ugly truth.  It’s as if I had been cheating on my wife.  It went on for years, and she never knew.  Then, I stop and tell her the exact nature of my wrongs.  I’ve dropped a heavy load, but I’ve dropped it directly on her!  What have I done?  I’ve cleared my conscience.  I’ve straightened up my act.  I’ve made the fool of my wife, who trusted me and now has a reason to doubt everything I’ve said and done for the past two years!  I feel great.  I’ve been sober for a couple of months, but from my wife’s point of view, this just happened.  I’m flying upwards and she’s spiraling downwards!

We had a special relationship.  We never lied or told stories or held back anything from one another.  We were always right on track with one another.  But I choose to put up walls and sequester myself away.  The one person to whom I was the closest, I was the furthest away.  I quit drinking and instead disappeared from our home for two hours every night to spend time with and confess all my thoughts and feelings to a room full of strangers.  I would come home and, in the habit of not talking about things going on my my head, wouldn’t share my feelings or my reactions about what had gone on in the meeting that I said I had just attended.  For all she knew, I was out drinking with these people!

Healing Takes Time

Now that I’ve torn down the prison, I stand in the rubble.  I stand alone in the mess that I’ve made, hoping to regain some lost trust with my partner.  Hopefully, with patience and time, I can use that rubble and stone to rebuild the lost trust and love that made our marriage special.  I can use my newfound freedom and clear head to be more open and communicative with my spouse to rekindle the relationship that I abandoned when I prioritized drinking over our special relationship.

So we’re both in recovery.  I’m enjoying a sober life and going to meetings.  She’s struggling with the fact that I had a two-year-long affair with alcohol, and she was none the wiser.