What is Resentment?

When I joined the program and started reading about the 12 steps, I got stuck.  I was reading about the 4th step and about how I needed to start doing a personal inventory.  I was supposed to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.   What the hell?  A personal inventory?  ???  I dunno.   I’m a great guy, right?  Nothing jumped out at me.  Hmm, maybe I used to lie a little.  Just about my drinking.  More of a sin of omission than a real outright giving of false truths.  Fear.  That’s a big one.  I was always afraid of getting found out–caught drinking.  Someone would see me with a bottle in my mouth when I thought no one was looking.

So, my personal inventory list was pretty short, but I gotta work the steps.  I pick up the Big Book for inspiration.  On page 64, they start in about resentments.  Resentment is the number one destroyer of alcoholics.  Surely I’ve got some resentments in my inventory!  Hmmm.  Nothing.  I don’t know resentment.   What the hell is “resentment” anyway?  Check the dictionary.  The word “resent” originates from the Latin verb “sentire,” meaning “to feel,” and the French word “ressentir” means “to feel again”.  A-ha!

Resentment Sets In

To feel again.  That I’ve been doing all day!  I got a phone call yesterday, and it was my mom who wanted to sing Happy Birthday over the telephone to me.  Sweet.  She’s been doing it for about 40 years.  But then she gets into this whole tirade about what they’re doing in Washington:

Mom: Isn’t it great that they’re getting rid of all those people downtown that have been ripping off the government for years?

Me: Uh, yeah, mom.  That’s my daughter, my son-in-law, and me…

Mom: But those people need to go!

Me: Yeah, mom, “those people” are my family.

Mom: Well, it’s gonna be difficult for a while.

Me:  Hey, look, Mom.  We’re getting in the car.  I gotta’ go.  Good talking to you.

This conversation is like it’s on an endless loop in my head all day.  Just playing along, repeating, without stopping.  Every time I hear it, it gets worse.  My son-in-law doesn’t even work for the government.  He’s in private practice.

Acceptance

But A.A. has taught me what resentment is.  I can cut this off that the bud.  This is Resentment, the real deal, that I’m feeling toward my mother, and it’s evil.  A.A. has given me the tools to deal with this.   Identify it before it gets hold.  Stop the tape loop and move on.   What’s the cure?  Acceptance.  I don’t need to agree with her. This isn’t my choice. I don’t need to agree with anyone.  I do need to accept them.  I need to accept the things I cannot change.  I can’t change the wind, but I can adjust my sails.